Anyone who is, or has been, in a relationship can undoubtedly recant you with tales of conflict. Regardless of how compatible you are with your significant other, virtually all of us will have times when we butt heads with one another. Usually, these conflicts are mild, but occasionally they can escalate into a real verbal blowout.
So, what to do when an argument gets heated? Well, just like blowing out a candle it can be as simple as taking a breath.
The Physiology of an Argument
As I discuss in my book, Stop Sabotaging Your Future, we human beings have certain instincts and behaviors that are hardwired. These have been handed down from our hunter-gatherer ancestors and have served us well for millennia.
Namely, I am referring to our fight-or-flight reflexes. This is more scientifically known as the sympathetic nervous system. The chief neurotransmitter responsible for this response is epinephrine (aka adrenaline). This hormone gets our heart pumping, blood flowing, muscles going, and attention focused. These are all pivotal actions when deciding whether to fight or take flight against a threat.
Now, in modern society, we are no longer routinely using these genes to escape a lion or kill a buffalo. However, the same machinery gets activated by similarly stressful, but albeit less life-threatening situations. Arguing with a loved one is certainly a potent stimulus to get our adrenaline flowing. When confronted with verbal conflict, our worldview, and ego, are being challenged, and thus we interpret this as a threat to our safety. Our body reacts as if a lion were about to have us for dinner. Blood pressure and heart rate rise, muscles tense, and we become laser-focused on the threat. However, instead of a hungry lion our current threat is our supposed partner—and who’s to say who’s more vicious?
Again, the sympathetic response to a threat is a lifesaver when it comes to physical threats. On the other hand, it can be extremely maladaptive when managing emotional threats, like an argument, or if someone insults Downton Abbey. Instead of rationally and calmly working through a point of conflict, the adrenaline coursing in our veins tells us to protect ourselves no matter what.
This can involve screaming to drown out your opponent, hurling insults to wound them, and in dire cases, even escalate to physical violence. Conflict can easily become a battle to survive instead of an opportunity for growth.
So, what to do instead?
Extinguish the Argument with Your Breath
I can relate firsthand to how consuming the desire can be to continue to trade barbs with your partner in the hope that you will eventually “win” the argument. However, no one truly wins a dispute by yelling or hurling epithets.
At best, one party backs down, wounded, but with a burning desire to fight again another day. Instead, to actually win, at least one of you needs to put the lid on your adrenaline. Thankfully, it can be as easy as breathing.
Here, as a quick experiment.
I want you to stop reading for a minute (but please come back to my website when you’re done!). Now, gently close your eyes, and take five nice, long, and deep breaths. Breathe slowly in and out, inhaling and exhaling for 3 to 5 seconds each. I bet you feel instantly more relaxed. If you have a smartwatch on, you could probably see that your heart rate even decreased. This is the same power of breathing that is harnessed in practices like meditation and yoga. Even if those practices aren’t for you, as you can see, you can still reap the physiological benefits of deep breathing.
Okay, you may be thinking that this works great when you aren’t very stressed to begin with. But how do you make this work the next time you feel the urge to rip someone’s head off?
Well, it’s simple. The first step is noticing your body’s cues the next time you are in an argument. This can take the form of feeling your heart beating stronger in your chest, noticing your hands clenching, or even developing some tunnel vision as you focus on your opponent. Now, instead of wracking your brain trying to quickly come up with your next retort to the threat against you, simply listen to your partner, then, before speaking, take a breath. One breath will do but take as many as you need to bring yourself back to the present moment. Each breath will calm your agitation and bring the argument closer into perspective.
This truly is simple, but that’s not to say it’s always easy. Just like starting any new behavior, it will take practice. You might not be successful every time, but the more you work on it, the easier it will become. You can even practice the next time someone cuts you off on the road or steals “your” parking space.
Soon, you will find that with your breath, you can quickly extinguish that sympathetic surge and focus on solutions rather than slaying. Your mind will be more open to processing what your partner is actually saying, and not what you merely think they are saying. You can finally start to gain control of the argument before it becomes outright aggressive.
Now, What’s Your Argument?
I hope you found this post helpful. I would love to hear your feedback by using the Contact Us button at the top of the page. Let me know what barriers or issues you may have with trying this yourself.
Naturally, this strategy works best if both you and your partner learn to use it. However, you can only control how you react, so you may need to take the first step.
For more relationship advice, including strategies for managing arguments and conflict, please read my book by clicking Buy the Book also located at the top of the page.
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